What are you searching for?

We have a deep urge to search and no one knows what they are looking for. But the moment we get it, we start searching again.

Have you ever felt like something is missing from your life?  

I tried to ask myself today what I’ve felt has been missing in my life lately and I was grateful to find that I’ve arrived at a place where my list is quite short.  If I were to search for something my biggest complaints would lie in my health and establishing my legacy, while wanting to speed up both processes so that I can enjoy the fruits of my labour.

If I had asked myself this question a few years ago, I believe my list would have looked something like this:

• More money, no problems

• Healthy parent relationships

• Healthy partner relationship

• Marriage and kids

• Travel, travel, travel

• Have my own business

• Own 3 Properties 

• 7 Streams of Passive Income

• Live somewhere else in the world

• Amazing sex all the time

• Money, money, money, moneyyyyy

• And more money

Nowhere in this list from my past had I ever considered the importance of health and life itself.  I was, and for all intents and purposes, still am, pretty ambitious, career and wealth driven.

After watching my aunt wither away from cancer, and when my own health began to take a more serious dive last year and early this year, is when I realized that ultimately nothing else matters but life itself.  

All those things we think are missing can be thrown out the window the minute you are sitting in chronic pain and can no longer fend for yourself.  All those things you think you don’t have or you need more of can be tossed in the trash the moment you become too uncomfortable to even know if you should sit down, or stand up, while having an entire panic attack from the pain searing through you.  All those things you feel are missing mean nothing when you are staring into the face of death.  You aren’t thinking about the finances, the experiences, the relationships, the sex, the travel - any of it - when your body is riddled with pain.  In fact you become frightened to even engage in any of it for fear that you may cause yourself more anguish.

All you are thinking is "I want my body to feel normal again, at ease again, I want to have the energy and enjoy all the things I was able to enjoy before this happened to me.”

You stop searching for all the things you think are missing and you are forced to take each day, one day at a time.

Or at least that’s what we tell ourselves we should be doing.

Because if you are anything like me - a Sagittarius whose natural DNA will always be wrapped up in the exploration and search of things - you might find something new to search for - now it becomes an obsessive compulsive search for every modality and treatment you can find to help take the pain away as fast as possible or it becomes a search to discover your purpose as quickly as possible before time runs out.  

taken by me, in Panama.

Which brings me right back around to that constant ache of feeling like something is missing in life.

What is missing?  Why do we struggle to feel content?  At what point in life do we finally get to that place of contentment?  Do we ever?  Can we ever?  Or is this idea of contentment only achieved by those who decide to let go of societal norms and structures?  Follow a spiritual path now and let go of all that we are use to knowing and chasing.  Or after we’ve tried and tried and tried again and now we’re old and grey we look back and say “well I’ve done my best” there’s nothing more left that I can or am able to do.

We search and we search and we search and we find obscure ways to search again. We make up more reasons for why we have to keep searching.  We create more goals, find more things to criticize, focus on and fix, find more ways to be unsatisfied, so that we can continue our search.

Chances are regardless of all that you may have in life there is still a lingering feeling inside that something just ain’t right, something doesn’t feel complete.

There are so many areas of life that we could explore to dissect what could be missing - is it something in your health?  Relationships or lack thereof? Family? Finances? Or within yourself and your personal growth?  Can you put your finger on it?  Or does it feel like all of these areas and more?  Without it, do you feel whole?

Can we be present if we are not content? Can we truly live and love if we are always searching for the next best thing?

We spend all our lives searching.  Searching for desires.  Searching for people, places and things.  We believe we should be everywhere else but where we are, everywhere else but here - present and still.

We have a deep urge to search and no one knows what they are looking for.  But the moment we get it, we start searching again.

What do you think is missing?  What have you been searching for?

Let me know in the comments or consider journalling your thoughts.

I had a tough time writing over these last few weeks. I’ve been asking myself where do I want Bare with Me to go and what do I want to offer you all. It’s important to me to be intentional while still being real about my own processes and sometimes my own processes leave me unsure of what to say and share.

Just like this post on searching, I have been in a transition myself of exploring where and what life will bring me next. This process of searching has asked for a lot of faith and surrender. It has asked me to not get caught up in the ‘how’ of things and to simply trust that I already have all I need within me and the rest will be taken care of. I challenge you to consider what parts of your life require you to relinquish the ‘how’ and simply trust as well.

I’m excited to start dropping some more content and therapeutic tools to help you along this journey, as well as step back out into the Events sphere. There is so much I’ve learned that I’m ready to share with you! Thank you for riding with me this far.

I love you.

Til next time,

Tash xo

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