Love and Aloneness

Being single, prioritizing myself and being comfortable in aloneness was a dream but connecting and loving on someone, while receiving love, could also be a dream, so how do I do both?

I struggle to balance loving me while loving others.  

Hi Hello Hi! We jumping right into this conversation today, making it short, sweet and as real as can be.

So yah, I struggle to balance loving me while loving others, primarily in my intimate relationships with men.

My parents are together and have remained together irregardless (erk scratch that, RE-gardless, cus I recently found out irregardless ain’t a word) so regardless of their many ups and downs.  They come from a time where marriage meant commitment, and commitment meant marriage, which also meant that no matter what went down in the marriage, we ain't ending this commitment ever.  I believe this is a passed down pattern and tradition, as both my parents also witnessed their parents be married and stay married regardless of trials and tribulations.

I didn’t grow up in a peaceful home, in fact, my home was often chaotic, full of anger, plenty of mean words, and endless tug of wars between both parents, which was then followed up with deafening silence as the chaos had erupted and they no longer wanted to speak with one another.

In addition, I regularly witnessed my mother catering to those around her.  Whether my parents were speaking or not, my mother kept the house clean, made a feast every single night for dinner, and made sure to make a plate and set it out for my father, while telling me to tell him that his food was on the table.  

My mom is headstrong, ambitious and a go getter, a very different energy from my father, and although there were some business endeavours she embarked on on her own, she never let her dreams and ambition override her commitment to the marriage.

Outside of making money, I never seen her do much for herself…as I’m writing this, it’s really hitting me that I didn't witness my mother spend time and care with herself - have you? I’m so curious, how many of us can say we’ve seen our mothers put special attention and love into their own beings?

Now don’t get me wrong, if my parent’s were going out, my mom could dress.  She would spend money on a sexy ‘fit, her hair would be done and her makeup was on point - she would show up and out to impress the room.  However I can only remember a handful of those moments, if not less, in my young life.

To say I witnessed my mom love on herself - truly love on her physical body, set a bath to soothe her aching muscles, give herself grace when she was tired, rub lotion into her skin with a softness or put lipstick on just because she could - I would be lying.

Instead I watched her take care of me, I watched her take care of her parents and 12 siblings, I watched her take care of my dad, I watched her work countless hours in her general labour job.

She taught me that love was synonymous with care and attention to detail.  She taught me to think one step ahead for all those around me that I love.  She taught me to work hard and go after what I want and that sometimes that might mean doing it yourself first and your partner will catch up later.  

Both my parents taught me that you don’t leave a relationship no matter what.

Nowhere in this did I learn balance.

Nowhere in this did I learn that it’s okay to desire both love and aloneness at the same time.

So let me tell ya’ll, my early relationship life was a mess.  I jumped into relationships being attached at the hip to my partner.  I thought that was how it was suppose to be. If I dated a man that wanted to see me every day, I made it happen.  If I dated someone that was okay with a routine of Friday night dates, I made sure that Saturday through to Thursday I was as equally occupied as he was so that I wouldn’t question why we weren’t seeing each other more, and best believe we were on the phone every night until we saw each other again.  

But the man dem never knew this.  I don’t even think I recognized I was doing this until later in life when I realized my insides were burning from anxious attachment and being triggered with some sort of abandonment issues that I couldn’t explain.  And let’s not even begin to get into all the financial and emotional support, broken standards, forgiven dealbreakers, and countless yeses I provided for fear that if I didn’t comply they would leave me.

When my last serious relationship ended in 2015, I remember taking a big sigh of relief.  I was exhausted.  I was exhausted from enduring trauma, exhausted by not being heard, and drained by staying in relationships for far too long that I didn’t believe in or shouldn’t have been in in the first place.

And then I spent the next few years single as fuck.  I did everything I wanted to do.  I travelled like crazy.  I built my business, hosted events, wrote a book, spent fun time with friends, stacked money, and travelled some more.  I dated here and there but found that I wasn’t willing to let myself commit to anyone.  The moment it began to feel like I was about to enter a period of being emotionally drained I hightailed my ass outta that situationship so fast that men would say to me “I feel like you have one foot in and one foot out the door” - and I did.

I spent a lot of time on my own, in my own thoughts, sometimes feeling lonely but reminding myself that that was a challenge I needed to face to shift from loneliness to aloneness.

 I want to point out that loneliness and aloneness are characteristically different.  The way I best describe the difference is that when we experience loneliness it’s shining a light on the fact that we do not know how to spend time with ourselves, we struggle to sit still and connect to ourselves, we experience grief, loss and sadness in moments when we are alone, and we want to fill the gaps by self medicating with substances, extreme experiences or having people around; while aloneness is intentional. Aloneness is a desired state.  We are grateful for the time to decompress, recharge our spirits, connect to self, introspect, create or simply sit in silence.  We don’t feel loss or sadness in our own company.  In fact being with ourselves in gratitude allows you to refill your cup and love for self.

I remember a few times coming home and sitting on the couch and thinking to myself “I should call so and so” (usually some guy I knew was interested in me) and I would look at my phone and say “Nah we’re good, learn to sit in the loneliness Tash.”  There were moments when my 32 or 33 year old self was burning with desire and pleasing myself wasn’t enough.  My body felt like it was begging to be touched, my lips wanted to kiss - I just wanted to be held - and I would sit still in that and allow the feeling to pass.  I told myself if I could get through trauma and abuse then I can get through these moments of loneliness and learn to embrace aloneness.  

I wasn’t confident yet that I knew how to hold onto myself while being in too deep with someone else.  And the truth is that right up until meeting my now partner, I wasn’t ready to try to learn.  All my past relationships were evidence to me that when I fell hard for someone, I lost myself.

Being single, prioritizing myself and being comfortable in aloneness was a dream but connecting and loving on someone, while receiving love, could also be a dream, so how do I do both?

My method:  Read, Write, Talk, Pray, Boundaries, oh and taking my time to choose a healthy partner that has only added to my life.

I’m learning to use my voice more and battle the parts of me that struggle to feel heard.  I’m learning how to exist in a relationship while taking time to myself.  I’m learning to fallback and let him handle things or cater to me.  I’m reminding myself that it’s okay to love on him loudly and that it’s safe to do so without fear of being hurt, and even if this relationship doesn’t become the lifetime we both desire it to be, I know that this season has been splendid and he’s reminding me of how to love and trust a man each day.

photo taken from tumblr by reggiechaleur

A healthy love means being able to say to your partner “I need some alone time.  It doesn’t mean I’m rejecting you.  In fact it’s because our love is so strong, you’ve made me feel secure enough to take some time to myself to rest, re-energize and come back to this love with a full cup.”

Love and aloneness can be a rhythm.  When two people are in a relationship, you pour so much into each other, that at times you need a moment to say “Hey, I need to rest to become full again” and both partners have the mutual respect and trust to know that this is not rejection.

When you are alone, you become so full that you are ready to love.  When you love, you pour so much into others that you need to become full again.  This is the rhythm of love and aloneness.  They require each other.

We’ve been taught that you need to be alone first before you can love another or that someone will come in and sweep you off your feet and teach you how to love.  All of this is only partly true.  You need to learn the practice of both loving and being alone - finding balance between the two and communicating this balance in your relationships - in order to remain whole.

I know a lot of us have felt like the healthiest relationship is one where the both of us are attached at the hip.  I know people who require constant attention and affirmation in order to feel love.  I want to challenge you to look deeper and ask yourself:

What do I fear in taking time to myself?

Why do I require constant attention?

And do I feel safe and secure in my relationships?

Do you feel like if you turned your back for a moment that that person will still be there?  And is this fear individual or collective (meaning do both you and your partner struggle with this, or are you revelling in this insecurity alone)?

Let me know in the comments or consider journalling your thoughts.

I know I started this by saying I was going to make it short, well that was a lie.  I hope it was still sweet though and as real as can be :)

Bare with me y’all.

I love you.

Til next time,

Tash xo

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