Who Do You Want to Be?

What is meant for you could be so much grander than the image you are currently holding for yourself but you are ignoring the process of self discovery.

I can’t tell you that I transitioned into this new year all gung-ho for goals.  In fact, I’ve actually been very intentional about not wanting to think about them if any at all. Instead I transitioned into the new year with a sense of stillness.  No overemphasis on goals, no action plans, no shoulda, woulda, coulda’s - just still.  Holding within me a sweet gratitude for all that was and all that is to come.

2022 was a wonderful, abundant year of freedom, flexibility and exploration intertwined with income insecurity, fears and worries of all kinds, and plenty of grief.  I had received all that I desired if not more, while steadfastly holding onto my ego and allowing this ego to blind my ability to truly appreciate all that I had received.  I would hold gratitude in my chest for a millisecond before diving off into “but I don’t have this” or “I still need that” or “what if I can’t trust this” or “I’m not doing enough” - there was so much lack, so much fear, so much worry until I couldn’t see how it had become the driving force in my life, completely shifting and changing my inner world, which allowed me to spew and vomit all kinds of projections outwardly.

I was not and have not been myself ya’ll.

Eventually it all came to a head, where in one single moment God said “Look!  You can have all you desire, but you won’t get it because you don’t know how to handle it and you’re coming at it from the wrong angle and intention all together.  Fix up bish!” (my God cusses me sometimes)

Cue crash and burn.  

Ego death.

Cue numbness.  Cue silence.

Stillness.

Tears.  Plenty of tears.

I think this happens to me every 7 years or so.  At the 7 year mark I am given a shake up.  Before the eminent growth, I can look back and see a pattern of love and abundance, chaos, awakening, stillness, change, application, growth then repeat right back to love.  I just turned 37 so I kinda should have expected this, the last shake up had occurred around my 30th birthday and prior to that my 23rd and prior to that my 16th - just like clockwork.  I’m sure there’s some random astrological term for this pattern - mercury in my sun, moon, rising, jupiter or whatever.

And each time that I am shaken up, each time that my spirit says “fix up bish” it always comes right back around to the simple question of:

Well, who do you want to be?

We don’t get to put down the search of finding oneself.  It’s a lifelong journey.  One that is both challenging and rewarding.  One that becomes even more rewarding when you are open to receiving it with the new tools and awareness that you’ve acquired since the last time your world felt shaky.  It involves taking the time to truly understand who you are, what you stand for, and what you want out of life.  It means being hella honest with yourself about your strengths, weakness, loves and fears.  It means taking a sincere audit of how you’ve been showing up and choosing to think, do, and be different. (Shoutout to Suki Chan of Emotional Dumpling who inspired me to take a gentle thought audit of what our minds are thinking of by labelling each thought as past, present or future. It’s a great way to see how often we live in the past or focus on the future with only a few thoughts being present - take a day and consider auditing your thoughts and see where you are living.)

For me, the journey of self discovery began as young as four years old.  I can remember laying in bed alone and scared allowing my mind to rabbit hole into thoughts of “what happens when everyone dies?” to the point of tears and believing and knowing what reincarnation was before anyone had ever said the word to me.  I was always a deep child and I was constantly searching for my place in the world, trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted from life.  By the time I hit my teenage years I was lost and confused and often struggled to find meaning in my everyday existence.  And then my twenties hit, I had gone through intimate partner violence and somewhere in that I had found existence.  Chaos became familiar and my world was shaped by abuse.  

And then when I said ’Nah this can’t be it’ I found existence in advocacy.  "Well I don’t want to be the victim anymore but there’s a story to tell here and there’s people who need support so let me help them.”  

Cue new persona.  

And this persona has been a wonderful one.  This persona has allowed me to be open and vulnerable about my experiences, about my life, about my journey with all its highs and lows.  This persona allowed me to step out of my shell more and get closer to who I am at my core.  This persona taught me how to love and re-trust again, how to go after what I desire and how to create an entirely new life for myself.

But this persona still has had much ego residing in hidden parts of my soul where love should be.

When I say ego I mean fear, judgement, worry, anger, distrust, all that ick - all the mess that we think we’ve dealt with but that’s still living in our unconscious minds dictating our actions and ultimately keeping us from where and what we truly desire.

Self discovery is not something that happens overnight but it is something that we can easily gloss over and ignore.  Take social media.  Social media makes it so easy for us to forget about ourselves and who we truly are.  It plays into our lack and plants seeds of who we think we should become based on what we see so many others doing.  It tells us we can have that too - and don’t get me wrong, we can - but it doesn’t mean that what they have is meant for you too.  What is meant for you could be so much grander than the image you are currently holding for yourself.  But you can’t get to it without staying true to who you are.  You can’t get to it without knowing who you want to be in this world and in this life.

Discovering who you want to be is a gradual process that requires patience, persistence, a willingness to be vulnerable, and most importantly truth - with self and others.  It means opening yourself up to new experiences, to try new things, to take risks, to set those boundaries and to be open to both love and loss.  It’s about embracing your individuality and being proud of who you are.  It’s also about knowing who you are spiritually - at your core - and feeding the needs of your spirit over the material needs.

You know the cliche:  It’s not a destination, but a journey.

We are constantly evolving and growing and there is always so much more out there to learn about ourselves.  It’s okay to not have all the answers and to simply stay open to being in a state of constant learning and growth - which is another part of ourselves that sometimes needs to be checked.  Our ego tells us we know enough, but the truly wise are always learning.

Along my own journey, I have come to appreciate the beauty of my imperfections.  I embrace my flaws and see them as part of who I am.  I work to change the things that I know are causing me and others harm.  Part of self discovery is self acceptance and self improvement - taking the time to recognize the impact we have on others and working to change and make a difference.  It’s about understanding how we are being, asking ourselves who do we want to become, and being willing to begin the journey so that we can understand our place in this world and truly show up.

Remember, we always have a choice.

So who do you want to be?

I love you.

Til next time,

Tash xo

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