I can honestly say that for about 90% of my life I have not known who the fuck I am.
I bust out my mothers belly a good 2 months early so I guess it's safe to say I've always been impatient. I began my life as a sheltered, shy, child which then evolved into a rebellious, sneaky and disrespectful teen. I spent my twenties in a revolving door of abusive and toxic relationships and stayed ignoring the healing process and just lived for the moment - drank my Jack Daniels and called it a day.
At 26 years old I made a decision to never be in another physically abusive relationship ever again (I had just shut the door on abusive relationship number 3). I checked myself into therapy, started reading every self help - relationship - guru junkie book you could think of, and picked up writing again (I use to keep a journal all through my elementary and pre teen years as a way to get things out of my head that I was too scared to say).
At 26, I did not know what 'loving myself' meant or even looked like, and as much as I was trying to protect myself from ever being physically abused again, I did not know that toxicity could come in other forms: disguised as charisma, hidden behind expectations and lots of sex, and meant to make you feel like you were never good enough.
At 30, after spending a few years in that ex-factor - 'it could allllll be so simple, but you'd rather make it harddd' tug of war type of love - the type of love that makes you yet again question who the fuck you are and seesaw between what you know you are worth versus what you allow another to define you as - I finally saw myself.
And then I broke myself.
Into tiny pieces. So much so that I felt numb and could not process the heartbreak.
But this heartbreak wasn't like others. It was not heartbreak for a lost love, instead it was heartbreak for myself. For the old me. The old habits. The old cycle.
I broke myself into tiny pieces so that I could attempt to put ME all back together again. To learn who the fuck I am.
It’s been 4 years of breaking and moulding and finding my way. It’s been 4 years of dating here and there, trying with some, walking away from others, focusing mainly on me and my business, writing more, isolating myself more, celebrating the wins of my friends, travelling when I can and transforming all of this - all of me - into a joyful, patient, radiant, sexy spiritual being full of adventure, while still allowing myself the space to cry, feel and just be, without anyone else's definitions and expectations of me.
This has been a never ending process.
It doesn’t necessarily get simpler - especially if you are a person who seeks and desires endless growth and possibilities. When you begin to desire mastery, when you become invested in your own love and self care - it can feel like you are staring down a long desert road with no end.
It's overwhelming. And it truly doesn't end.
Not only is it overwhelming for you but it can be overwhelming for the people around you that desire to share space with you. The people closest to you are waiting and cheering you on while also feeling pressure to live up to any new standards, boundaries and growth that you've put in place. Your healing process is for YOU but it also magnifies to all those around you. The same way your triggers and trauma can be projected to those around you, best believe that when you heal, you are healing those closest to you as well.
Healing is a grandiose effort that I commend many for taking on, especially during this time when healing is a trend and many people are talking a dope game but have zero integrity or even a single clue where to start. It's frustrating as hell to watch, but that's another story for another long email or blog post to come.
In 2019, I felt a lot of my anger that I had been carrying subside, and my walls began to crumble down as I softened and opened up with new people in my life and the loss of a close friend. As the walls came down I discovered that underneath it all, despite various transformations in my life, the core of who I was still resided. And when you get to the core of who Tash is - it's a young girl who enjoys writing and curating, will naturally feel insecure at times, has a huge heart, knows how to create space for people to feel and be heard, asks a lot of questions, and is very much more introverted than she lets on.
And in 2020 I would like to show up more as this person, with a bit more flare and sass. I'd also like to be better at letting people in to the work I do. I tend to be IN the work but don't often big up myself or show where I'm at or what I'm doing - so hopefully with the help of some new, awesome people on my team, I will do better.
There is still so much that I don’t know - as they say you don’t know what you don’t know - but all that I DO KNOW I SHARE. And that’s what I've always done through my Broken Heals brand, share all these tiny pieces of me and my story with you no matter how vulnerable it has left me.
What I’m most proud of sharing over the last few years have been all the resources, books, and activities that have helped me along the way, as well as the system I have used to begin my healing journey. This is what my coaching work has been about, curating dope materials to help YOU get started on your own journey and then me holding you accountable to you figuring out who the fuck you are ;)
I love you and I'm ready to support you - shit if you read this far then I know you're really riding with me so I definitely love you and I am invested in your wellbeing because the reality is I want all my people to heal.
There's nothing more to it. I'm ready to hear more stories of triumph, introspection and love and to witness people end negative cycles in their lives. I'm here to do my part to break these cycles and I require more people to be on board with me. If you are interested in starting your healing journey, please feel free to reach out to me to book a connection call.
I'm sending you all the love n' light that I can, I pray that this month is an abundant one for you - abundant in wealth, abundant in gratitude, abundant in positive health and abundant in love.
'Til next time,
- tash
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