Roadblocks

It’s been two years since I sent out a newsletter to you all.  I wrote something incredible about the ups and downs of the healing journey and then I ‘peaced' out and you never heard from me again (unless of course you follow me on Instagram where all I do is share stories and drop some random knowledge on ya).

For as long as I can remember, I steadily get in my own way.

My mind twists and turns down unbelievable rabbit holes that begin to embed so deeply into my subconscious that I am unable to differentiate what is true or false when I think of what is authentically me.  Couple this with self doubt and we have the mind of a woman who continues to feel unsure of herself, regularly seeking and searching for more, consistently supporting and holding others up, while feeling both independent and alone at the same time.

But you wouldn’t know this looking at me.  

It never phases me when I quietly share with someone that I doubt their belief in me - that they stare at me wide eyed and astonished and say “What do you mean? I can’t believe you don’t see this in yourself” and I stare back at them - shy and uncomfortable - that someone on the outside could have such a strong belief and desire in me, while I still struggle with this insecurity and doubt.  

I recognize that humility is endearing, however now it has begun to feel embarrassing. I thought I would have this figured out by now.  I thought that confidence would be naturally oozing from my skin, radiating as brightly as this NYX highlighter spray I be dousing all over my face in the summertime to give that illusion of a natural glow.  I thought I would be glowing for real for real, you know from the inside out and shit, as people say.  Not to say that I’m not - between the affirmations, the impromptu dance parties, the herbal supplements, the prayer and connection to God, the focus on emanating love - I’m sure there is an inner to outer glow in there somewhere.

My greatest trait is how humble I can be, however I would be denying my truth if I didn’t say that I’m ready to shine.  

But wait… am I though?

Even that in itself is confusing.  Because I do just enough to shine just a little.  I share my words, I take a picture or two, I build a following online, I go after the money I desire, I take the trips, I laugh and dance a lot, I dress accordingly.  

And then I double back.  

I hide in my condo, don’t want to post or write anything, don’t want to get dressed or show my face or even speak sometimes, struggle with depression and anxiety, wallow in grief, and simply want to sleep.

What am I scared of?  Becoming too large?  Becoming too successful?  Too worthy? Too much?  What do I fear beneath it all that causes me to steadily get in my own way without regard or conscience?

I think if I dove deep enough I would see that underneath it all both unworthiness and fear of aloneness swim around in my psyche fighting for competition.  Do I deserve all that I truly desire?  And if I were to receive it, would those around me approve or would I be sitting on an island alone continuing to feel misunderstood and unseen?

I live in the space of wanting to be seen and unseen simultaneously.  Bare my soul while remaining tight lipped.  This has been a difficult dichotomy as a creator, supporter and guide to many.  How much is too much to give of yourself to another? Can I continue to give while in hiding?  

If I continue down this road unpacking question after question I will get nowhere.  The questions in themselves are roadblocks, ways to default back to not moving because of overwhelm.  Too many questions, not enough solutions.  Too many self created obstacles that are really just fear in disguise.

What I will say though, is irregardless of getting in my way, I’m always moving.  Some way, some how, I manage to take steps forward.  I grow, change, dissect, dispel, create abundance and move forward.  I’ve always seen my thoughts as the obstacle, caught myself and pushed past it enough to keep moving.  Fall back a little, and leap forward again.  In my career I was taught the importance of failing forward - you may not always get it right but you tried and you progressed.

I’ve always owed it to myself to find a way to fully show up, and show up with ease. Purpose and ease have been my driving forces lately.  Walking with intentionality has been important to me and I’ve found that if it doesn’t align with either purpose or ease I’d rather sit still until it does or until something better comes along.  This act of surrender has allowed me to face many of the fears that whirlwind through my mind.  

Sometimes we don’t realize how easy it is to be in control, we take control so naturally because the more control we have over a situation is the more we feel we can eradicate fear and dictate the outcome (this is especially true for those of us who have been lost in survival mode for decades and are born and bred through trauma). However that moment you realize that nothing is in your control - and you sit and stew in that for a while - you let go of the things that you cannot control (i.e the self defeating, negative thoughts) you achieve that flow and surrender that brings you to much further places than control, fear, and self sabotage ever could.

All that to say that I’m holding myself accountable to sharing more of myself with you with the hope that you see yourself in my words, that we move through our roadblocks, obstacles and masked fears together. 

I’m finally dropping my blog/newsletter entitled Bare with Me - Holding Others, While Being Held, and you’re on the list currently as a free subscriber (I take no offence should you opt out, I be unsubscribing to shit daily lol) but while you’re here check out some of my other musings and let me know your thoughts. In addition if you are interested in writing in to me for some email coaching - what I’m calling the ‘Dear Tash’ letters, shoot me an email and let’s write to heal.  Lastly, if you feel you might stay a while and you’re interested in financially contributing to my writing you can definitely do so by bumping to paid subscriber for a tiny fee which gives you access to the Dear Tash letters and even some connection calls with me.

With that being said, what is the longest-running obstacle you’ve faced in your life?  And are any of your obstacles just fear in disguise?  Let me know in the comments or consider journaling your thoughts.

Damn. What a way to reintroduce myself. Just came at y’all all naked and confused. Isn’t it beautiful?  I think so.

Bare with me y’all.

I love you.

Til next time,

Tash xo