Honest to Goodness
I've hung on to my honesty like a guiding light steering me into people and experiences that have served me and provided me with greater good.
I am naturally a very honest person. But let me tell you, I wasn't always this way.
I grew up in a household that ruled with chaos and control and because of this I went out of my way to get what I desired through dishonesty.
And for every dishonest act, I would be riddled with guilt, sadness and anger that I would pretend to ignore, while temporarily distracting myself with whatever it was I wanted in that moment, whatever it was that drove me to be dishonest in the first place - which usually led back to a desire for freedom, for joy, a desire for a safer place to call home, a desire for touch and affirmation.
Once I left home I was able to create any desire for myself that I wanted. I could go and come as I please with whomever I'd like. The weight and habits of having to lie about where I was going, or what I was doing diminished into thin air as though that part of me had never existed. It showed me that I wasn't a dishonest person at my core. It showed me that dishonesty was the tool I was using to survive in an intense home so that I could find peace outside.
However, I had become so accustomed to finding peace outside, that it was now time to figure out how to find peace inside as well.
Once I left home, I was able to sink into myself. Sinking in meant taking the time to discover who I was, what I loved, what my core values were, how I wanted to show up in this world, how vulnerable I could be, and how truly authentic I wanted to be. And that authenticity did not hold any space for dishonesty.
Now all of a sudden I found I couldn't lie about anything without being submerged in guilt - this guilt hung out in the pits of my belly, rising up every so often to suffocate me. Any lie I told, I immediately wanted to find a friend to share my truths with, to explain myself to, to justify why it might have been okay to lie.
The smallest fib, even when I believed wholeheartedly that it wasn't any of that person's business, made me question myself: why did I choose not to tell the truth in that moment? What made me hide that part of myself?
If I found I couldn’t be my honest self around you, if I found myself behaving with you the way I once had with my parents, I would distance myself. I would sneak and hide until I snuck and hid my way right out of the relationship.
As a teen, dishonesty was the tool I used to keep a hold of my freedom without having to speak up and advocate for myself. When I learned that it was safe to advocate for myself and that my ideas and thoughts were important to be heard, the expression of my desires came out as fiery passion, anger even, it was like I was shouting:
"Why can't you hear me?"
"I see you, do you see me?"
"Please don’t put me in a position where I cannot be honest with you”
“Can’t you see you’re getting the best version of me?"
"Please don't make me sneak and hide my way out of this relationship”
They say Sagittarius' are brutally honest to a fault. I've seen this demonstrated in my own life as some statements have slid off my tongue without a second thought of whether the listener would find it warm to receive or icy hot, stinging their hearts and causing them to fire back defensively.
I recognize that this same honesty I speak of makes others feel anxious around me, maybe nervous that it will in turn expose their inauthenticities. That my honesty will somehow make someone else have to sink down deep inside of themselves and stir up things they no longer want to see or address. My honesty has intimidated many. Has also made me put myself on display in the wrong rooms. Has had me standing on stage awkwardly sharing stories to people who were unsafe and had no business seeing me. Has sown wonderful seeds, while uprooting and destroying others. My honesty has also been without words, but has made myself and others reflect in mirrors that were unsightly to see. My honesty has been a heavy burden to carry as it continues to expose me, to me.
But with that, I've hung on to my honesty like a guiding light steering me into people and experiences that have served me and provided me with greater good. This honesty has also drawn incredible people to me.
And man, the gratitude I have felt for these people, my circle, for those that never created a space for me to sneak and hide, for those that allowed me to share the rawest parts of myself, to see through me, give healthy advice, and teach me how to advocate both loudly and quietly - is beyond measure. My circle is what drew me out of hiding. Them showing up as them allowed me to show up as me.
What is a characteristic of yourself that you admire?
What is your own relationship with honesty?
How has honesty (or dishonesty) shaped your relationship with self and others?
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I love you.
Til next time,
Tash xo
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