Caught Up in the "How" of it All
We step, misstep, fall, stand up again, but whatever is meant for us never misses us.
I spent most of 2022 in fear. Fear of being broke. Fear of being hurt. Fear of being traumatized. All because I had so many amazing things happen at once that I didn’t know how to receive and then accept it.
I made the most money I had ever made in my career in 2021. I was now in my first healthy relationship. Although I have had some health issues and lost my aunty, I was travelling and exploring like crazy. I had the freedom and flexibility I desired and the areas of my life that were once awry were now in perfect cohesion. When 2022 rolled around never would I have thought that somewhere planted in my subconscious mind was this suffocating worry and fear that was putting my nervous system in shock and terror.
For context, most of my career I worked a 9-5, while managing a handful of contracted jobs and made great money albeit burnt out and exhausted as hell. Then 2020 hit, the world shut down and I used that as my opportunity to transition away from all these jobs and focus on being a full time entrepreneur. By the time 2021 came to a close I had made and received the most money I ever had in my work life with freedom and ease. And while all of this career building was going on, I had just entered what I would say is my first healthy intimate relationship. What should have been a time of gratitude and abundance, instead turned to fear and grief.
I remember having a talk with a colleague years ago and she said “my life is perfect. I have the perfect husband, kids and family. I make crazy money. I’m healthy and everyone I care about is healthy. And every day I walk in fear that it will all fall apart one day,” and I never understood this sentiment until last year.
I rolled into 2022 walking in fear and waiting for the other shoe to drop in both my relationship and my finances. I remember distinctly thinking “What if I never make this kind of money again? Do I even know what to do with it? What if I use it all up and end up broke?” (Let me not paint this picture like I all of a sudden became a millionaire because I didn’t, I just earned and received more than I had expected).
In addition, in my relationship I was living in fear that the worst was yet to come. I was literally waiting to be cheated on, deceived or abused because my past relationship patterns showed that after the honeymoon stage came the trauma.
So how did I navigate all this fear?
I sabotaged the hell out of everything.
I didn’t consciously know that I was sabotaging, but I did everything one would do to perpetuate the lack and fear rather than call in more abundance.
I took jobs I hated because I was scared of losing money, I focused so much on the idea of debt that money was slowly slipping through my fingers in the most absurd ways. I was shooting my shot at every opportunity without relationship building, basically giving opportunistic pick me energy. In my relationship I walked around suspicious of my partner, hot one day, cold the next, physically and energetically pushing him away, while waiting for him to harm me.
Mind you, I wasn’t aware of any of this and wasn’t catching my bad behaviour because I was so focused on all the negative that could happen and wanted to get in front of it.
The fear was blocking my faith. I was trying to trust my own devices rather than call on God, let go and release. It was like I was playing chess alone. I wanted to find any way possible to avoid and control loss and pain that I was slowly calling in more loss to me.
What I’m really saying is that my subconscious did not believe I was worth receiving such goodness all at once, even though it was everything that I had ever desired, and I was waiting for it all to be taken away from me at any given moment.
Until God stepped in.
Thank God for God.
God stepped in and gave me a rude spiritual awakening that left me numb in my bed for almost a week. I’ll get into the details of that said awakening in another post, but just know that it involved me losing an opportunity that I thought I was a shoe in for because I said all the wrong things and Him sending me a real life messenger to look me in my face and tell me that I was full of ego, leading with lack, focused too much on the material and not enough on the spiritual, and that if I wanted eternal life best believe I wasn’t going to get it running around leading with fear. He basically told me my breath stank and everyone could smell it. Bruh.
The fear we hold in our mind is the story we tell to continue harming ourselves.
For example, if we are in a relationship with someone new that has never cheated on us or shown us any reason to deem them untrustworthy, but we continue to think they will cheat, question and prod them, and develop a fear in our minds that they are untrustworthy, all we are doing is harming ourselves.
We get so caught up in what we think the other person is up to, our perception of a ‘possibility’ of what could be, that we indirectly try to control that person. We try to catch them in the act or before they act. We want them to know we see them. We get so caught up in what the other person is doing that we spend more time thinking about them than ourselves. We become so fearful of the impending hurt that we try to control it before it happens. We become manipulative.
It’s crazy to recognize that yo’ ass may be manipulative isn’t it? But this is real life, and although this word has a negative connotation, it doesn’t take away from the truth of what it is - a need for control.
And this need for control will drag yo’ ass to the chess board trying to play both sides in hopes that you don’t lose - or in my case - don’t get re-traumatized.
In our everyday lives, we often have a specific plan in mind about how we want things to go. We set goals, make schedules, and take actions that we believe will lead us to the outcome we desire. While it’s important to have a clear idea of what we want to achieve, there’s a danger in becoming too attached to the ‘how' of things. Becoming too attached to something breeds control or manipulation. It leaves no room for faith or surrender. Instead by holding onto our ideas of how something or someone should be, we begin to enforce our ideas, and manipulate and control things out of fear, which can indirectly perpetuate the same loss or hurt you are afraid of aka self sabotage.
But how do you get out of this cycle? What does it mean to let go of the ‘how'?
It’s called surrendering.
Sometimes, it’s necessary to let go of the how and trust that things will work out in their own way. That act of surrender, that act of saying to yourself “I don’t got this, and that’s okay, I’m letting go” is sometimes all that’s needed for things to start falling into place.
Letting go of the 'how' of things is a powerful life lesson that often takes a lifetime to fully grasp. It is a journey of surrender, trust, and growth, where we release our need for control and embrace the unknown. Letting go of the how means releasing our attachment to the specific path we believe will lead us to our goal. It’s about relinquishing control over the outcome and trusting that God and the universe will bring us what we need, even if it doesn’t look the way we thought it would.
When we hold onto a rigid plan of how things should unfold, we limit ourselves. We become so focused on the details that we may miss out on other opportunities that arise. We can also become so attached to our plan that we become stressed and anxious when things don’t go according to plan, leading to frustration and disappointment.
Letting go of the how allows us to be more open to unexpected opportunities that come our way. It enables us to adapt and be flexible in our approach. It also helps us to be more present in the moment and enjoy the journey, rather than solely focusing on the destination.
Here are a few ways we can let go of the how and trust the process:
Focus on the why: Instead of obsessing over the how, focus on why you want to achieve your goal. What’s the deeper purpose behind it? By connecting with the why, you can remain motivated and focused on the end goal without getting bogged down in the details of how to get there.
Be open-minded: Remain open to new ideas and opportunities that come your way. Sometimes the path to our goal can take unexpected turns, and that’s okay. Embrace the unknown and have faith that things will work out in the end.
Practice mindfulness: Cultivate mindfulness through meditation or other practices that help you stay present in the moment. This can help you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings and reduce anxiety and stress related to the outcome. I for one love hot yoga - movement for me equals mindfulness - and I didn’t realize until recently how much I needed it. One hour a few times a week has dramatically decreased my stress and has helped me practice humility as I struggle through the poses and challenges.
Let go of control: Recognize that you can’t control everything, and that’s okay. Surrendering control can be liberating and allow you to be more flexible and adaptable. And in order to let go of control, it requires you to do our next point which is,
Embrace uncertainty: we don’t know what we don’t know - and the best way to let go of the ‘how’ is to get comfortable with not knowing. Confront the unknown and let go of your need for certainty - this is much easier said than done, especially for trauma survivors, but it CAN be done. It requires a leap of faith and a lot of trust, which leads me to our last point,
Trust God and/or the Universe: Ultimately have faith that a higher power has a plan for you and that things will unfold as they are meant to. Believe that everything happens for a reason and trust that you will end up where you are meant to be even if the path seems unclear.
Letting go of the how is challenging, but it’s an essential practice for living a more fulfilling and less stressful life. I’ve spent a year and a half caught up in the how, juggling people, places, things, all in an attempt to outrun my fears and remain in control. My mind, body and spirit were all burnt out from hustling - hustling for work, hustling for security and hustling for love.
When this year rolled around, I stopped hustling. I entered 2023 numb, stoic and still very much uncertain, but without fear. There was an indescribable calm. A feeling that said “no matter what you are taken care of.” I’ve walked this year with that reminder ever since.
By releasing the attachment to a specific plan or to specific people, we open ourselves up to new opportunities and experiences that can lead us to our desired outcome. By focusing on the why, being open-minded, practicing mindfulness, letting go of control, and trusting God/the universe, we can cultivate a sense of peace and ease as we journey towards our goals. Releasing our grip on control allows us to experience a newfound sense of freedom, helps you nurture your intuition and embrace spontaneity.
Again, way easier said than done, and I know in many ways I’m still in these streets caught up playing chess when everyone else is playing checkers, but that’s the beauty of this thing called life. We step, misstep, fall, stand up again, but whatever is meant for us never misses us.
If you’ve read this far I’m sending extra love your way - thank you. It’s been a minute since I’ve written a personal story, and I’ve been sitting on this one above for months, unsure if I wanted to let ya’ll in this way. My superpower is in vulnerability and I’ve learned only ever to share my processes when I feel confident that I have reconciled or grown from the experience in such a way that warrants sharing - this one - this balance of trust, faith and control - is still an everyday process for me. I’m still learning, growing and healing through it, still identifying triggers, learning how to respond differently, and working on releasing.
One notion that God placed on my heart and in my mind over the last 2 years was that I needed to write more. And I haven’t been listening.
Ya’ll I have not listened, thats the truth.
Every time I get on my knees to pray, or I pull out my prayer journal to express gratitude and beg God for yet another thing, all I hear is this little voice that says “You need to write more.” Point blank period. All to the point where I had a dream and in the dream this man in black looking mf literally looked me dead in the eye and said “write more” and to throw in an extra layer of ‘Natasha is letting the sign she asked for hit her in the head and she’s still ignoring it’ - I took a trip to Mexico with a girlfriend where we saw a healer and without knowing me the healer was like “I’m being called to tell you you should write more.” Welp.
That was a year ago. The voice is still in the back of my head. I’m trying. Didn’t I just write this entire post above about self-sabotage and not having enough faith and tryna control it all? Well…here’s me trying to do better.
One day I’m gonna take the leap and focus only on writing and sharing every single day and trust that somehow my rent will be paid…
but that day ain’t today LOL
With that being said here’s a reminder that you are on my list as a free subscriber. If you’re down to be a paid subscriber that would mean the world to me and maybe then I could truly take the leap.
Bumping to paid subscriber for a tiny fee gives you access to the Dear Tash letters, worksheets and even some connection calls with me - these worksheets will begin to come out monthly and I’m hella excited about that. While you’re here, check out my other musings and let me know your thoughts. In addition if you are interested in writing in to me for some email coaching - what I’m calling ‘Dear Tash’ shoot me an email and let’s write to heal.
If you enjoyed this journal, please consider sharing it with others via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Email, WhatsApp, and everywhere else they will let it go lol!
I love you.
Til next time,
Tash xo