I can't say that I often wonder what kind of mother I would have been.
I can't say I often think about what you would look like, how old you would be or what it would feel like to have you embrace me.
Truth be told I don't let myself go there.
I made a decision out of fear.
I made a decision to choose me over you - and that has been a tough pill to swallow at times.
I pray that when I meet you in my dreams or on the other side that you feel proud of me,
and that I accomplished exactly what I needed to in order to save many other young girls that would have grown up in circumstances that would have been similar to the shit that I did not wish on us.
I pray that Broken Heals was worth it.
I pray that you are happy and dancing with your big eyes and curly locks and that one day in the future I feel you dancing inside of me.
Love you plenty.
I had an abortion when I was 24. I cried and cried and cried and cried until I felt a physical weight lift from my shoulders. I lied to my friends and family about it. I was ashamed.
A few years later I went to a Christian counsellor to help reconcile this shame and this is how our convo went:
“Did you know what sex the baby was?”
Me staring blankly: “No”
“What did you think it was?”
“A girl.”
“What’s her name?”
“Amy.”
I blurted out Amy without a single thought in mind. Amy wasn’t even a name I would consider naming my child (no offence to all the Amy’s out there) so I had no clue where that came from.
The counsellor had me say a prayer to God to watch over Amy.
Fast forward a few years later and I’m hanging out with my Grandma, who has just begun to decline into dementia. We’re laying in my bed together and out of nowhere she starts saying “Oh my, how I miss you Amy.”
My heart jumps with nervousness and I’m like “What? Mama who is Amy?”
She says “Amy is my twin sister who passed away.”
Cue instant bawling.
I ask my mom and sure enough my grandmother had a twin sister that passed away when they were babies and her name was Amy.
Every so often I find myself reflecting on this post. Sometimes my heart still hurts when I think of old decisions I’ve made in the past.
And that’s normal.
I don’t promise anyone I’ve worked with that you’ll just all of a sudden forget - some decisions we make aren’t always easy to forget.
But you can remove the guilt and fear that comes with those decisions. You can reconcile them, be intentional about them and move on.
Life is about ebbs and flows. Life is about choice. Life is about finding that peace within but also recognizing that it’s okay to still feel.
Be happy feeling. Be happy knowing that you can always try again.
photo cred. unknown